The unsubtle art of kissing the ring

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
Fake news has skyrocketed on X in the wake of Donald Trump’s presidential victory. It has nothing to do with him or Elon Musk this time but rather, all the European leaders offering their heartfelt congratulations to the new president while their teams quaked in their boots.
The fawning began immediately, in a chorus of statements and phone calls to Mar-a-Lago. 
French President Emmanuel Macron sprinted out of the blocks to French kiss the ring of the man he has often handshake-wrestled in public saying he was “ready to work together” with Trump. 
(Macron also called German Chancellor Olaf Scholz and said they pledged that Europe would now be “more united.” Scholz pulled the plug on his government later that day.)
The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister Keir Starmer offered his “hearty congratulations,” and even Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy — who stands to lose more from Trump’s return than any other world leader — offered his congrats on an “impressive” victory.
European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen took toadying up to a supranational level when she “warmly” congratulated Trump, presumably as she beamed an icy glare on her iPhone screen.
The art of smooching the ring means focusing intently on what you have in common  — no matter how desperate it makes you sound. 
Olaf Scholz, for example, talked about the “well-being of our citizens.” That’s like being asked what you have in common with your friend and saying “We’re both people.” 
Kowtowing to the big man also means casually archiving your past comments. U.K. Foreign Secretary David Lammy once called Trump a “woman-hating, neo Nazi-sympathizing sociopath” — but has gone rather quiet since entering government.
Big-name ministers weren’t the only ones courting the powers that be in the European Parliament this week. 
Commissioner after commissioner lined up to tell MEPs how important they are to the European project, and how desperate they are to work closely with them — as they seek their approval. 
But the most sincere lips-on-ring action on display in Parliament this week came courtesy of far-right MEPs, some linked to Hungary’s Viktor Orbán and some in the center-right European People’s Party, who proudly donned MAGA hats and recorded victorious videos in Parliament’s corridors to celebrate Trump’s win. That’s not kissing the ring; that’s swallowing it.
“If I just don’t look, maybe my government hasn’t collapsed?”
Can you do better? Email me at [email protected] or get in touch on X @EddyWax.
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“I’ll give you a million dollars if you sign my ego” by Simon Godwin
Eddy Wax is POLITICO’s Playbook co-author.